Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
You Might Also Like
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck