GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.