media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.