Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Smooooooth
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.