Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Note to self: always read the final line
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.