One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’d love this…lol
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.