Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.