Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.