Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Sing it!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat