My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”