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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Proofread twice, hang posters once
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual