I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
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*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*aggressively waits in line*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else