When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
dictator is short for richard potato
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.