dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla