I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers