[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me too 😆
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.