To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man