Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police