I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Confused owl: What?!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.