Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
You Might Also Like
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Wise advice
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?