OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
You Might Also Like
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
all that yoga finally paid off
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.