I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I’m about to risk it all
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.