Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
finally
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”