When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
we all know this pain all too well
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Doctors texting each other.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
i wish i could marry a nap
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.