For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.