Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Imma just leave this here…………
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!