January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…