told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Did my cat write this
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
How can I say no to this ?
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.