“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?