Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
You Might Also Like
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”