Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Strange
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”