“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
wish me luck lads
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.