HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.