“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
How wrong was this guy?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels