Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My last name is Zilla.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
🦝🔥🦝🔥
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow