Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.