a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I want to meet the individual who made this
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard