I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.