*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
crochet youtube is brutal
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The 6 types of sex
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—