I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text