Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
#Caturday
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness