A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
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Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting