me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night