not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger