What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!