Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 馃敟馃敟馃敟馃敟
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My mom, to me as a kid: You鈥檇 probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My husband knew I鈥檇 never wear slippers because that鈥檚 where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That鈥檚 a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that鈥檚 why it鈥檚 weird for a chicken
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If I was a sushi chef I鈥檇 wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
teach a man to fish and he鈥檒l turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you鈥檙e an idiot
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 馃槢
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star