“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You Might Also Like
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Body by cheese-puffs.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
✌🏽
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.