March 16
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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
How funny!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
#DesignFail
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR