[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap