I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
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Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol